ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
