i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
babies were throwing up all over the place
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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