i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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