I just pynch a tree in the face
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
