i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
