I must be too annoying 4 u.
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
