oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
