He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
