I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You ruined the universe
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
