i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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