I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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