very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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