Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He shit in the fireplace
You are a genius and a whore.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
