just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
