I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
