I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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