also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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