i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
