I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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