so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
