You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
