Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
