Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had to cum in my sink.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
