Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
