I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
