There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
