I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
