chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
