i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
