did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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