There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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