she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
