P.S. I can't hear my feet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
foreskin is a definite game changer
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
