Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
