have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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