I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
