there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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