y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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