I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
