There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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