dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
