quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
