Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
