I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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