You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
