She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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