My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
