i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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