The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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