I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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