Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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