im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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